New Syrian Regime Provides Major Threat To US By Claiming It Wants To Stop Fighting Wars & Usher In Peace

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Just days after Syrian rebels ousted Bashar al-Assad, leader Abu Mohammed al Jolani made a sweeping declaration that the new government will not seek to extend wars with the West and usher in a new era of peace. 

“People are sick of fighting wars. We want love and peace for all Syrians. And we want Syrians across the world who have fled from the violence and chaos of the past thirty years to come back and participate in a new golden age of our country. No more bombs, no more death,” al Jolani said in a press conference on Tuesday.

Despite the optimistic and positive tone, those words have terrified the United States and other Western powers. 

“No more war?! Is that sand monkey serious?” U.S. Army General Bryan Fenton said. “How does he think it works over there? I’ll tell ya how it works. Those guys shout ‘alalalala’ and blow up a bunch of buildings and WE - the United States of America - come and bring you peace. That’s the way it's always worked, and that’s the way it always will work. Plus, what does this guy know about ‘freedom’. Zip. Zero. Nada… If Jafar here can’t hear that through his magic rug, then the United States military is prepared to drop more bombs on ‘em until they finally understand the true meaning of peace and prosperity.”

Even the State Department’s Bureau of Democracy, Human Rights, and Labor lists al Jolani’s plan as “extremely problematic” for the region and the world. “You can’t just ‘declare’ that you want to be peaceful and free,’ Assistant Secretary Erin Barclay told The Gas Lamp.“ True peace and freedom comes from western democracies, and that takes 20, 30, sometimes 40 years to achieve. Experts say that each time a coup like this happens, it restarts the so-called ‘freedom clock’. So Syria is realistically looking at another three decades before they can truly achieve the peace they hope for. And the United States will be intimately involved in that process the whole time.”

At press time, a group of Senators were seen writing “peace and love” and drawing hearts on FIM-92 missiles post marked for Damascus.