Biden Assigns Special Agent Oswald To Lead RFK Jr.’s Security Detail

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After recent polls showed RFK Jr. pulling considerable support in the presidential race, President Biden finally granted the environmental lawyer secret security detail as a friendly gesture.

A statement from the White House revealed that RFK Jr.’s security detail will be led by Special Agent L. H. Oswald, whom the administration claims has no relation to the man who killed his uncle despite having an almost identical name and resemblance. 

Since the appointment, conspiracies that the Biden administration created a clone of Lee Harvey Oswald for the purpose of eliminating his opposition in a similar fashion to the assassination of John F. Kennedy have surged online. 

“It’s merely a coincidence,” claimed White House spokesperson John Kirby at a press conference. “I mean, his name doesn’t even sound close. Leland Harold Oswald? Give me a break. And I’m not even going to go into all the foolish and utterly ridiculous things I’ve heard Republicans say. You think we went to the Shannon Rose Hill Cemetery in Fort Worth, dug up Lee Harvey Oswald’s body, drove it out to a secret testing facility in the desert, used his DNA to create a clone, used a top-secret rapid-aging serum to turn the clone into an adult man, and hypnotized the clone into assassinating President Biden’s opponent? Absolutely preposterous.” 

Despite the Administration’s defense, Republican voters and elected officials alike have become increasingly skeptical after being denied numerous FOIA requests into Agent Oswald’s background. 

At press time, Biden was seen gifting RFK Jr. a convertible and offering to cover all the expenses for a campaign rally outside the Dallas County Administration Building as further gestures of good will.