WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to reach across the aisle and assure Congressional Republicans that the surge of illegal immigrants isn’t a problem, Biden reinstated the Three-Fifths Compromise by executive order for illegal immigrants who’ve arrived in America since he took office. 

True to the original plan from 1787, the measure will make five undocumented immigrants equal to three legal American citizens for the purposes of taxation and representation. And while many on the right and left are slamming Biden for reinstituting a racist policy, Biden claimed that his plan had nothing to do with race. 

“Look, I don’t care if they’re Mexican immigrants, Chinese immigrants, or Russian immigrants,” Biden told reporters. “I just want Republicans to stop worrying. They’re not going to count as full citizens. Let’s all just relax here.” When questioned about the details of the plan and how the administration would keep track of the undocumented immigrants, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre explained, “That’s why we gave them all money and cell phones. So we’ll know where they end up and can adjust federal funding appropriately.”

According to President Biden, he first got the idea in a dream where he was soliciting advice from a council of advisors – including forefathers of the Democratic Party, Thomas Jefferson and Andrew Jackson, and more whimsical influences, like Pee-wee Herman and Elmo. “Those fellas have never led me wrong,” the President explained. “Every time I see them at night, they teach me what it means to be an effective leader, but also to be kind and compassionate and work together. If only we had them in our administration right now, we’d all be so much better off.”

At press time, the White House confirmed that it plans to keep up their efforts in making illegal immigrants feel welcomed and included in American society by designating separate, special water fountains, restrooms, and other public facilities for them.