PORTLAND, OR - Local waitress Tammy Watson was fired from Wandering Spirit Brewery on Saturday for showing up to work not reeking of body odor, sporting cleaned and combed hair, and - perhaps the most egregious offense - having shaved armpits. 

“We really dropped the ball hiring her in the first place,” the brewery’s general manager said. “We pride ourselves in creating a safe, inclusive space for everyone. Especially those who don’t conform to the traditional beauty standards portrayed in the mainstream media and forced upon us by the corporate oligarchy. Shaving, especially armpits, is the kind of cis-normative behavior that creates a toxic workplace and is absolutely not accepted here.” 

When asked about her firing, Ms. Watson was distraught, saying, “I didn’t mean to offend anybody. Ask anyone, I’m just as socialist as the next comrade. I even wrote-in Che Guevara for Congress in the last election. The only reason I shaved that morning was to impress the cute barista girl at the co-op coffee shop on Main Street. How could I be so stupid?!”

Despite Ms. Watson’s defense, her fellow waitresses were quick to distance themselves from someone so controversial and polarizing. “I’m literally shaking,” said one of the bartenders. “That kind of self-grooming is the first step to becoming a fascist. It won’t be long before she starts voting for Donald Trump or sieg-heiling at sports games.” 

At press time, the brewery’s general manager was seen putting up ‘help wanted’ signs after nearly half the staff quit in protest of the brewery’s radical hiring policies.