NATIONAL HARBOR, MD - Over the weekend, the Democratic National Committee elected new leadership to help set the party on a new path as they look to come back from their catastrophic losses in 2024. 

While there was a lot of enthusiasm about new Committee Chairman Ken Martin, many young Democratic activists were upset that the delegates elected gun control activist and Flat Stanley stunt double David Hogg instead of the morbidly obese Big Mac enthusiast Olivia Julianna as one of the party’s Vice Chairmen. 

“We don’t need another skinny, cis-gendered white man. We need a strong, big-boned, queer, disabled, Latinx to represent our party. That’s how we’ll defeat Donald Trump and save democracy,” 18-year-old Democratic activist Jenna Bellview told The Gas Lamp. 

According to the DNC meeting minutes, Julianna was slated to make a speech promoting her candidacy. However, her name was withdrawn from the first ballot for failing to show up after she reportedly got distracted by the hotel’s all-day continental breakfast on the way into the conference room. 

At press time, the DNC announced they were considering changing the party’s mascot from a donkey to either a beluga whale or a hippopotamus.