Haitian Warlord Barbecue Promotes Brisket, Collards, And Cornbread To Lieutenant Generals

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI - Leader of the Haitian paramilitary group G9 Family and Allies, Jimmy “Barbecue” Chérizier, promoted three of his most loyal and trustworthy soldiers - Pierre “Brisket” Saintil, Joseph “Collards” Alexandre, and Andre “Cornbread” Jean - to lieutenant generals on Monday. 

Barbecue’s move comes at a critical time, as G9’s recent mass jailbreak has prompted the need for more leadership and organization in the gang as they attempt to overthrow the Haitian government.  

According to a spokesperson for Barbecue, each of the three new lieutenants will play a key role in G9’s administration. Brisket, a seasoned veteran of Barbecue’s group, will lead the gang’s long-term strategy - promising to deliver low-burning, even heat to the opposition before delivering an impactful punch. Collards, a versatile member of the team, is an excellent source of A-Ks. And Cornbread, perhaps the most important of Barbecue’s lieutenants, simply brings his grandma’s island-famous cornbread to every battle. 

At press time, Barbecue announced his plans to further promote a handful of trusted, up-and-coming soldiers like Short Rib, Hot Links, and Pickles to various ranks.