NEW YORK CITY, NY - In an ironic twist of fate, Harvey Weinstein begged Manhattan Judge Curtis Farber to move up his re-trial date and issue a verdict in his rape case while he’s still awake. 

The former movie mogul has been in Rikers Island since 2020 and is suffering from an aggressive leukemia diagnosis - a combination which he says is “hell on earth”. 

Because of his cancer diagnosis, Weinstein claims that it’s hard to stay awake with the drugs he’s forced to take and worries that he might die in a dark, dingy room before people have a chance to hear his true story. 

“Please your honor, I beg you to have the trial while I can still understand what’s going on,” Weinstein pleaded. “I know you have a busy schedule, but I don’t consent to being dragged through the mud like this. I was a different man before. But now that I have cancer, I have a new outlook on life. I don’t see how my past should justify the circumstances I’m in now.”

At press time, Harvey claimed that he was just one of many men who’ve had their reputations unfairly tarnished by bogus sexual assault allegations that don’t really represent their true character, including Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Cosby, and R. Kelly.