Hundreds Of Flash Mobbers Still Waiting For The Go Signal
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In what can only be described as a huge planning mishap, hundreds of performance artists, who have been mistaken for heroin and fentanyl junkies over the past few years, are still waiting for the signal to start their elaborate flash mob routine.
“We’re not drug addicts," street performer Chaz Vergara told The Gas Lamp. “I know it looks like it, but we’re just really committed to the craft. Most of us have never even done drugs! Just you wait. Whenever this gets going, it is going to be the most spectacular street performance you’ve ever seen.”
While the rest of the world continues to look at the Golden City with disgust, Mayor Daniel Lurie isn’t concerned.
“We understand that people think San Francisco is dirty and smells like shit,” Lurie said in a press conference on Friday. “And they’re right. But we’re a town of performers, a town of dreamers, a town of free-thinkers. These men and women have been working their entire lives for this grand performance. That’s why some of them haven’t bathed in years and poop on the sidewalk. At any moment, the performance could start, and they can’t miss that. “
According to a recent study, the same can be said for many of the high concentrations of ‘homeless drug addicts’ in cities like New York, Chicago, and Washington D.C. - something that has significantly affected the reputation of the International Flash Mobber Association.
“The misrepresentation of our members as filthy vagrants has been devastating,” IFMA President Bobbi Wonton said. “Remember in 2004 when you saw flash mobs in malls or at the train station all the time? It was glorious. And we were making so much progress until TikTok dances took over. But we haven’t given up yet. We drug test each member of our organization - and while it looks like many of them are shooting up illegal drugs, they’re really just fueling up with a special blend of electrolytes that keeps them still for hours at a time.”
At press time, some local IFMA chapters announced that they were going to take the matter of improving the prestige of America’s flash mobbers into their own hands by entering people’s cars and kindly taking their car radio to make room for pamphlets with the group’s performance schedule.