WASHINGTON D.C. - Elected officials, dignitaries, former presidents, and first ladies were just a few of the hundreds who gathered at the National Cathedral on Thursday to mourn the passing of America’s 39th President, Jimmy Carter. 

While friends and family were especially heartbroken, no one was more distraught than President Bill Clinton who wished it was him inside that box instead of Carter. 

“I wish we could trade places old pal,” Clinton was heard whispering as he hovered over Carter’s casket. “I can’t live with Hillary anymore. She’s sucking the life out of me man. I just want to lay out on a beach or wander out in the jungle like Joe, but I can’t escape the circus. I look like one of those fruitcakes you injected with AIDS back in ‘79. Oh dear lord, please take me.”

As president Clinton continued to wail over Carter's casket, the somber mood was briefly interrupted when Hillary stomped up the altar steps and dragged Bill by the ear back to his seat.

“What did I tell you, huh? It’s not a good look for us to be getting emotional. We’ve got to keep our shit together if we have any chance of running again in 2028. Grow a pair, will ya!” the former Democratic presidential nominee reportedly shouted at her husband.

At press time, Bill refused to answer what caused the scratches on his face and bruise around his eye while nervously stating how excited he was to get back on the campaign trail and help the Democrats fight back against Trump.