Javier Milei Kicks Off CPAC By Chainsawing A Communist In Half

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD - With the 2024 presidential election rapidly approaching, MAGA bros and Trump blowhards from across the country are descending upon the Gaylord National Resort this week for the 50th Annual Conservative Political Action Conference. 

To kick off this year’s convention, newly elected Libertarian president of Argentina, Javier Milei, got the zyn-buzzed crowd going by sawing a communist activist in half with a chainsaw. 

Milei’s chainsaw - a key symbol of his campaign in 2023 - was initially meant to represent his plan to drastically cut the size of government. But because of his meteoric rise, that metaphor has quickly turned into reality and ignited even more positive attention from conservatives as he’s begun using it to literally eliminate communists, cultural marxists, and globalists. 

“You like that?!,” Milei shouted to thunderous applause from the crowd as he revved his chain saw. “We put up with evil communists no more. They have manipulated our systems and cast our nations into debt for their personal gain for too long. It’s time to eliminate the globalists and collectivists who threaten our freedom, once and for all. Long fucking live freedom!”

According to attendees, this year’s CPAC promises to be one of the best in decades with speakers like wife-abuser Steven Crowder, esteemed-statesman Matt Gaetz, Ronald Reagan’s hologram, and, of course, President Donald Trump. Along with the highly anticipated lineup, attendees will have the opportunity to participate in thrilling interactive exhibits like Whack-A-Elmo, a Nikki Haley shaped piñata, and a new virtual reality game that puts you in the shoes of an IDF soldier and lets you blow up Palestinian families.