Leader Of Al-Qaeda Rethinks Life Choices After Harrowing Experience Opening A Can Of Biscuits

The leader of Al-Qaeda, Saif al-Adel, announced on Friday that he will soon be stepping down from his position after a life-altering experience opening a can of Pillsbury biscuits. 

Upon opening the can of biscuits, al-Adel was reportedly so startled by the mini-explosion and discovered how terrifying it was to be on the receiving end of the kind of surprise attacks his organization had been dishing out for decades. In a rare moment of empathy, he suddenly felt bad for the infidels he’s terrorized with suicide bombers and IEDs all these years. 

“I’ve done some soul-searching the past few days, and I cannot, in good conscience, continue to serve this organization," al-Adel addressed Al-Qaeda members at their yearly planning conference. “It’s true, we’ve made some incredible progress in fulfilling Allah’s will, peace be upon him, to rid the world of the inferior beasts of the West. But at what cost? I recently had a dream about a small white man named ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ who taught me that it is better to fill your heart with warmth and love than with hate and anger. We have spent decades instilling fear into our enemies, but who here can say they are happier now than before 9/11, before the Northwest 293 bombing, or before the Charlie Hebdo attack? That’s why today, I am calling on my brothers and sisters to join me in dropping biscuits instead of bombs, cinnamon rolls instead of cyanide, and toaster strudels instead of TNT, inshallah.”

Despite al-Adel’s moving words, the members of Al-Qaeda instantly erupted in rage and swarmed the stage. Moments later, al-Adel was hanged for the crimes of “betraying Allah” and “colluding with the American devil”. 

At press time, Al-Qaeda conceded that al-Adel’s vision inspired some progress for the organization, declaring that it would begin to use Pillsbury biscuit can technology in their next pipe bomb attack.