WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the harrowing memories of insurrection still fresh in mind, former Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney returned to the steps of the Capitol on Monday morning to prevent the evil ‘January 6 ghosts’ from haunting our country by performing an ancient Native American prayer dance. 

“Every day since I left Congress, the ghosts of January 6 have followed me and have cast a dark shadow over my family,” Cheney told The Gas Lamp. “The other night, they sent me a message saying that they were heading to Washington D.C. to celebrate the inauguration of President Trump and oversee the complete destruction of the United States of America. Thankfully, I’ve spent years training to cast these evil spirits away and have assembled my friends from the Arapaho tribe to help me perform a centuries-old dance that will prevent these demons from hovering over our democracy any longer.”

Upon hearing of Cheney’s act of heroism, Reps. Adam Kinzinger, Jamie Raskin, and Adam Schiff sprinted out of the House Chamber to join her - abandoning a critical vote that would have given $200 million in relief to hurricane victims.  

“This is no joke,” Kinzinger said on MSNBC Monday evening. “They’re like dementors in MAGA hats who suck the soul out of our nation. That’s why next week, I’m introducing a bill to have the Department of Defense develop state-of-the-art wand technology that will help defend our country from these threats.”

At press time, witnesses say they saw Dick Cheney hiding in a bush near the Capitol, piloting a drone draped in a bedsheet over his daughter.