Pam Bondi Tells Senate She’ll Only Weaponize The DOJ Against Fat, Ugly Women

WASHINGTON, D.C. - On Wednesday, President Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Pam Bondi, faced tough questions from Democrats on the Senate Judiciary in her confirmation hearing. 

Chief among the Democrats' concerns was that Bondi would weaponize the Department of Justice against Trump’s political enemies - a fear Democrats repeated throughout the presidential campaign. 

While Bondi assured members of the committee that she would not use the DOJ to go after members of the Biden administration, she made it clear that she would use the department’s power to go after fat, ugly women.

“President Trump chose me to lead the Department of Justice for a reason,” Bondi told the committee. “I’ve spent my career fighting for justice in Florida. I’ve won most of the cases I’ve prosecuted. And, most importantly, I’m a ten out of ten. Too many hot, smart, sexy blondes in this country are getting passed up for obese, gremlin-like women in the name of diversity, equity, and inclusion. No more! As Attorney General, I’ll use all my power to go after these gigantors and make America sexy again.”

According to a leaked memo, the DOJ is planning to work with Robert Kennedy Jr.’s Health Department to implement a slew of new beautification policies - like forcing fast food companies to limit sales to frequent customers, spending 200 million dollars on makeup for America’s ugliest women, and penalizing companies who hire obese, unattractive women when thinner, more attractive candidates apply for the same position. 

At press time, Secretary of Transportation nominee Sean Duffy announced that the new administration plans on subsidizing the production and distribution of Flintmobiles in low-income communities to get obese Americans to walk more.