WASHINGTON, D.C. - While U.S. Border Patrol agents have reporting a record number of migrant crossings in recent months, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas assured Congress that he can get everything under control. 

At a recent House Homeland Security Committee hearing, Secretary Mayorkas said, “I hear your frustrations loud and clear. Protecting our [checks notes] homeland security is my top priority. I can assure each and every member of Congress, along with the American people that my team and I are developing a ground-breaking new strategy using state-of-the-art technology to secure the southern border.”

While he refused to go into detail on the matter, staffers report that they’ve seen Secretary Mayorkas locked in his office for 10 to 12 hours a day and that he’s demanded not to be disturbed under any circumstance. But during a momentary lapse of judgement when the Mayorkas left his office to grab a cup of coffee, an intern peeped in and found Bloons Tower Defense 5 paused on his computer. 

“When I found it on his computer, I checked his search history and that game was like the only thing on there for the past two weeks,” intern Jimmy Rodriguez said. “I could tell he was struggling with it. He was on level 15 but he didn’t even have any maxed out Super Monkeys and was going into a round with like 20 MOAB blimps. He was definitely about to lose.”

“After I found out he was playing Bloons Tower Defense, I tried to subtly hint that I could help him beat the level,” another intern, Jenna LaVita reported. “But he just yelled at me and told me he could figure it out by himself.”

At press time, an anonymous source leaked that the latest military defense budget included line items for “ninja monkeys” and a six-sided contraption that shot nails out of each side.