MOGADISHU, SOMALIA - With wars in the Middle East and Eastern Europe still raging on, the world got slightly more peaceful on Friday after Somalia and Ethiopia agreed to end nearly a decade-long war over seven goats. 

The war, which began in the summer of 2015, has seen more than 500,000 military casualties and nearly the same amount of civilian casualties. And according to experts, it was just the latest in a long string of livestock-based conflicts dating back to 100 A.D. 

“It’s hard to believe that the war was all about a few goats,” said Harvard anthropologist Susan Wells, “but to the Somalians, goats are like gods. So it makes sense that they would risk hundreds of thousands of lives for something they held so sacred.”

Talks of peace reportedly began in early September when Somalian President Hassan Sheikh Mohamud realized that he had been looking at a map of the region upside down for the past 10 years and discovered that a small farm on his country’s southern border had not been taken over by “his inferior neighbors”.  

Three months after realizing the error in his ways, Mohamud reportedly called Selamawit Tesfaye - the 15-year-old commander of the Ethiopian Revolutionary Guard - and offered to end the war immediately. 

At press time, just hours after a peace treaty was signed, Commander Tesfaye announced on X that his army would be launching a new war on the “Somalian scum” over a local market dispute between seven bags of rice and 500 oranges.