WASHINGTON, D.C. - After spilling the beans that nearly $102 Billion of the $177 Billion the United States sent Ukraine in foreign aid has gone missing, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy begged President Trump for one last request - a small loan of $100,000 to help him open up a dance studio and retire from government life forever.

According to White House transcripts, President Trump got the call at around 2:45 am on Wednesday. 

“Please, Mr. President. This isn’t my fault. Jill Biden and Barack Obama had me cornered. They told me they’d kill me if I said anything about the scheme. I just want to get out of this mess and go back to belly dancing. If you send me just $100,000 so I can open up a dance studio in Kyiv and get out of politics I won’t ask for any more. You have my word!”

As Zelenskyy blubbered on, Trump reportedly struggled to keep his composure together and stop himself from bursting out into laughter. When the Ukrainian puppet was done pleading, Trump responded, “Get bent fruitcake!” and slammed down the phone.

At press time, Zelenskyy posted a video on X desperately asking his European counterparts to send their best dancers to Ukraine for a “special, covert military operation that is critical to helping win the war against Russia.”