A local man stumbled out of a bar late Wednesday night, realizing\u2014perhaps for the first time\u2014that he was too drunk to drive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While such a realization had never stopped him before, he clutched his keys and, in a moment of divine inspiration, shouted, \u201cJesus, take the wheel!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To his shock, Jesus Christ himself suddenly appeared in the driver\u2019s seat of his Hyundai Sonata, smiled, and said, \u201cHop in, buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dazed and unsure whether he was dreaming, hallucinating, or already dead, the man hesitantly got into the car. Then, he figured that if God\u2019s only-begotten son could turn water into wine or walk on water, surely he could operate a mid-sized sedan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As Jesus revved the engine, he cranked up Iron Maiden to reassure the man that he was cool and \u201cnot into all that preachy gospel shit.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, the good vibes didn\u2019t last long. Having never driven a car before and possessing zero understanding of modern automotive technology, Jesus floored the gas pedal. The vehicle lurched forward, swerving wildly as it hurtled toward the highway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Within moments, the situation turned catastrophic. Unable to control the car, Jesus veered into oncoming traffic, triggering a ten-car pileup.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While miraculously, no one was killed, 21 people were injured, including a family of five returning from church. Thankfully, Jesus used his divine powers to instantly heal all the victims. Overwhelmed by the experience, most were so awestruck that they barely minded their totaled vehicles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As police sirens blared in the distance, Jesus panicked. In a last-ditch effort to help, he handed the man a slip of paper that read \u201cGet Out Of Jail Free Card\u201d with his official heavenly signature scribbled on the back. Then, without another word, he ascended back to heaven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When officers arrived, the inebriated man insisted that he wasn\u2019t responsible for the crash and pleaded with them to accept his holy immunity card. Unfortunately for him, the police weren\u2019t buying it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He was promptly arrested for driving while intoxicated and causing the massive accident. According to officers, he cursed Jesus\u2019 name the whole ride to the station.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At press time, Jesus insisted to God that he had nothing to do with the incident and was simply on a \u201csoul-finding mission\u201d.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A local man stumbled out of a bar late Wednesday night, realizing\u2014perhaps for the first time\u2014that he was too drunk to drive. While such a realization had never stopped him before, he clutched his keys and, in a moment of divine inspiration, shouted, \u201cJesus, take the wheel!\u201d To his shock, Jesus Christ himself suddenly appeared […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":276,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","content-type":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local"],"yoast_head":"\n