The leader of Al-Qaeda, Saif al-Adel, announced on Friday that he will soon be stepping down from his position after a life-altering experience opening a can of Pillsbury biscuits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Upon opening the can of biscuits, al-Adel was reportedly so startled by the mini-explosion and discovered how terrifying it was to be on the receiving end of the kind of surprise attacks his organization had been dishing out for decades. In a rare moment of empathy, he suddenly felt bad for the infidels he\u2019s terrorized with suicide bombers and IEDs all these years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ve done some soul-searching the past few days, and I cannot, in good conscience, continue to serve this organization,” Al-Adel addressed Al-Qaeda members at their yearly planning conference. \u201cIt\u2019s true, we\u2019ve made some incredible progress in fulfilling Allah\u2019s will, peace be upon him, to rid the world of the inferior beasts of the West. But at what cost? I recently had a dream about a small white man named \u2018Pillsbury Doughboy\u2019 who taught me that it is better to fill your heart with warmth and love than with hate and anger. We have spent decades instilling fear into our enemies, but who here can say they are happier now than before 9\/11, before the Northwest 293 bombing, or before the Charlie Hebdo attack? That\u2019s why today, I am calling on my brothers and sisters to join me in dropping biscuits instead of bombs, cinnamon rolls instead of cyanide, and toaster strudels instead of TNT, inshallah.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite al-Adel\u2019s moving words, the members of Al-Qaeda instantly erupted in rage and swarmed the stage. Moments later, al-Adel was hanged for the crimes of \u201cbetraying Allah\u201d and \u201ccolluding with the American devil\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At press time, Al-Qaeda conceded that al-Adel\u2019s vision inspired some progress for the organization, declaring that it would begin to use Pillsbury biscuit can technology in its next pipe bomb attack.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The leader of Al-Qaeda, Saif al-Adel, announced on Friday that he will soon be stepping down from his position after a life-altering experience opening a can of Pillsbury biscuits. Upon opening the can of biscuits, al-Adel was reportedly so startled by the mini-explosion and discovered how terrifying it was to be on the receiving end […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":442,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","content-type":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-440","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-politics"],"yoast_head":"\n