MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Facing a sudden and unjustified reputation crisis, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency implemented a series of new, less violent tactics to catch illegal immigrants—the most successful of which has been placing a Corona and a taco under a box trap while two officers hide in the bushes, ready to pounce.
According to the Minneapolis ICE Chief Todd Wilson, ICE has successfully caught 211 illegal immigrants in the past month using this tactic, and is planning to implement it nationwide.
“We’ve heard the complaints from the community,” Chief Wilson said. “Apparently, the people of this town have gone soft because they don’t want to get shot in the face. Boo-freakin-hoo. Regardless, our organization is committed to restoring the positive, friendly, wholesome reputation we’re known for. That’s why we’re constantly updating our tactics and making sure that we can do our jobs safely and humanely.”
While the new tactic has proven to be mostly effective, some agents have reported mixed results as they’ve inadvertently caught a handful of drunk, overweight, balding white men on the way home from the bar.
At press time, ICE announced that it was testing another new illegal immigrant trap, which involves putting out a Facebook invite to a fake birthday party for a Mexican one-year-old at the local community center.
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