WASHINGTON, D.C. – Eager to make a good first impression with his party’s leadership, freshman Congressman Tim Fleetwood (R-TX) was caught sneaking into the House chamber Monday night with orders to “kill bill H.R. 3827.
Video footage shows Fleetwood entering the chamber at 1:38 a.m., wearing a ski mask and carrying a bowie knife. As he made his way up to the Speaker’s desk, he could be seen rummaging through some papers before finally finding a full printout of the bill. He then leaned in and seemed to whisper some words to the stack of papers before repeatedly stabbing it until shards of paper littered the floor.
The next morning, the House clerk found the mangled bill and warned security that a raccoon must have broken into the building in the middle of the night.
Fleetwood thought he had completed his mission without getting caught until he accidentally voted to pass the bill in committee later that day, completely unaware of what he was voting on.
Upon the bill’s passage, Republican leadership realized they may have put their faith in “the wrong idiot” and funneled $100 million dollars into Fleetwood’s primary opponent.
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