75 Million Americans Die Instantly After DOGE Eliminates Federal Funding For Cat Sex Change Operations

WASHINGTON, D.C. - It’s been less than a month since DOGE got to work auditing the federal government, and already they’ve found countless examples of fraudulent or wasteful government spending. 

One of those bogus expenditures, which was promptly cancelled by the Trump administration, was a $20 Million USDA contract to study the effects of sex change operations on cats. 

While Trump and his team were initially proud to uncover such a ludicrous use of taxpayer funds, their righteous tune didn’t last long. 

Minutes after revoking the contract, nearly 60 million Americans died in a Thanos-like instant as the expenditure was somehow, inexplicably integral to the day-to-day lives of so many individuals. And since many of those who disintegrated were still performing tasks like driving vehicles, operating heavy machinery, or performing surgery, another 15 million were unintentionally killed in the aftermath. 

Since the sudden loss of nearly one-third of America’s population, the Trump team is scrambling to figure out how cancelling taxpayer funded cat sex change operations resulted in so much damage.

Nobody, however, is happier than Chuck Schumer and Democrats who have been warning that Trump’s actions could result in such devastating consequences. 

“We warned people that this would happen. Millions of Americans are vanishing into thin air thanks to President Trump and Elon Musk’s dangerous actions. Cat sex change operations are critical to working class Americans struggling to get by as a result of the terrible economy President Trump created. If we want to save American lives, we need to resume animal sex change operations immediately!” Schumer said in a press conference on Saturday.

At press time, the death toll surged by another 55 million Americans after DOGE slashed a $35 Million dollar contract to arm Somali pirates with pool noodles and floaties.