Biden Issues Executive Order To Cut Quota Of Migrant Crossings From 500,000 Per Month To 499,999

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the election rapidly approaching, President Biden is ramping up efforts to slow the influx of illegal immigrant crossings and revive his poll numbers by issuing an executive order that cuts the number of immigrants allowed across the southern border from 500,000 per day to 499,999. 

“Today, my administration has taken drastic measures - some say the most drastic measure ever… EVER… to secure our southern border,” the President said defiantly. “We’re putting a cap on the number of undocumented migrants that can enter down to 499,999 per month. Can you believe that, folks?”

While the Administration remained adamant that this was the most effective plan to curb the influx of undocumented border crossings and quell America’s concerns, Democrats are furious with the decision. “Denying even a single human the right to cross a fictitious, imaginary border is akin to carrying out the Holocaust, murder of Martin Luther King Jr., and January 6 insurrection all at the same time,” Rep. Ayanna Pressley said.

House Republicans are equally angry about the executive order. “You know, my mother told me not to say mean things about people and I never curse, but I’m going to say it - Biden proved today that he’s a cotton-headed ninny muggins,” Speaker Johnson said as he passive aggressively pounded his fists on the podium.

At press time, Biden was heard gleefully singing a rendition of ‘99 Bottles Of Beer’ as he wandered out of his East Room press conference.