Canada Sends Its Top Mercenaries To Fight War In Ukraine

TORONTO, CANADA - After last week’s fiery White House meeting in which President Trump refused to commit more funding to Ukraine’s defense efforts, President Zelensky desperately reached out to other NATO leaders for help.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was one of many who answered the call and offered the Ukrainian president “all the help Canada could provide”.

Due to Canada’s depleted military, he could only commit to sending a few fighter jets and tanks – far less than what Zelensky needs.

To compensate for the lack of resources, Trudeau offered to send an elite fighting unit of some of Canada’s most lethal mercenaries who have collectively seen hundreds of hours of street combat: Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles.

“Today, I’m proud to announce that I'm sending some of Canada’s finest to aid Ukraine’s fight against Russia – Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles. These three have successfully kept out dozens of invaders from taking over their trailer park – like Cyrus, Sam Losco, and Colonel Leslie Dancer. I have no doubt that if they can keep these thugs from taking over their communities, they can stop Putin from taking over Ukraine.”

When asked about their new assignment, Ricky seemed confused about the mission but assured The Gas Lamp that he was up for the challenge.

“I mean I really don’t care about your crane, I care about my crane - it’s how I’m gonna feed my family,” the grade 10 dropout said. “ But I guess if Lord Two Door or whatever the fuck his name is wants me to go over there and steal some Russian dope, I will. I swear to god, if they don’t have smokes and pepperoni I’m going to lose my shit!”

At press time, Trudeau announced that he convinced Canadian rap legend J-Roc and his crew, the Roc Pile, to record a new single about why the war is wack for charity.