Card-Carrying Democrats Rattled By Primitive Version Of A Card-Carrying Democrat

WASHINGTON, D.C. - On Wednesday, Senate Democrats grilled President Trump’s DHHS nominee, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for what they claim are radical views when it comes to vaccines, food safety, and health in America. 

However, according to some members, their angst was less about RFK Jr.’s views and more a reflection of the fear and anxiety they felt after failing to understand the primitive version of a “card-carrying Democrat” that hasn’t been seen in nearly thirty years. 

“Guys, I’m a Democrat. I’ve been a Democrat my whole life. My uncle was one of the most revered Democratic presidents in our country’s history. I don’t get it! Why don’t you guys like me?” Kennedy said raspily to the committee. 

Despite Kennedy’s pleas, Senate Democrats weren’t having any of it. 

“Mr. Kennedy, you claim to believe in breaking up big corporations, ending corruption between business and government, and empowering people to make their own choices about their health rather than listen to bloated government agencies," Oregon Senator Ron Wyden snapped back. "I don’t know if you know this, but those twisted, backward views represent a primitive version of the Democratic agenda we left long ago. A true Democrat would know that we’re not the party of individual rights, workers, anti-corruption, or real solutions to improving the health and wellness of our nation. Shame on you for being so bigoted and unevolved!”

At press time, Senator Bernie Sanders spontaneously combusted after repeatedly trying to toe the line between the new Democratic talking points and his long-cultivated brand of old-school democratic socialism.