Climate Activist Makes Another Pointless Statement By Blowing Brains Out On The Queen Mary

LONG BEACH, CA - From the Mona Lisa in Paris to the U.S. Constitution in Washington, D.C. , activists across the globe are taking new measures to bring awareness to the climate crisis by desecrating some of the world’s most iconic historical artifacts. But none of those protests have been as pointless or confusing as California activist Chaz Rodriguez’s stand for climate justice when he blew his brains out on the RMS Queen Mary earlier this week. 

At approximately 12:30 p.m. on Thursday, people waiting in line to buy tickets for a tour of the iconic ship reported seeing a man screaming from the main deck, holding a sign that read, “We’re all murders of the Earth. We all deserve the death penalty.” And even though tourists couldn’t quite hear what Mr. Rodriguez was rambling about, they certainly heard the loud blast of his .22 caliber Ruger pistol and watched in horror as the 27-year old activist killed himself in the name of lowering CO2 emissions and fully transitioning our society to green energy sources. 

“None of it really makes sense,” said Sheriff’s Deputy Brad Langston. “The whole thing seemed more like a cry for help than a publicity stunt. I don’t know how he thought this would get people’s attention to climate change, but it just seemed to add to the point that we’ve got a mental health crisis in this country.” Later that evening, investigators found Mr. Rodriguez’s journal in which he drew parallel’s between pollution in post-industrialist countries to the sexual abuse he experienced from his uncle as a child.

At press time, meteorology reports showed that Southern California was experiencing one of the coldest winters in decades.