George Santos Goes Ring Shopping For Future Prison Husband

NEW YORK, NY - Former Representative George Santos was indicted on felony fraud charges Friday morning and sentenced to seven years in prison.

Shortly after receiving the sentence, Santos visited a local pawn shop to browse wedding rings, anticipating the possibility of meeting his future husband in prison.

“I’m beyond thrilled with the outcome,” George told the jeweler as he gazed wistfully at the ring on his finger. “By the end of my sentence, I hope I have at least two, maybe three husbands. They’ll call me the piñata cause of how much I’ll be tossed around.”

In addition to shopping for rings, Santos has been making other preparations for prison life, including researching which gang to pledge and arranging friends to smuggle him sexual party favors like lube, handcuffs, and vibrating dildos.

At press time, Santos was spotted at a local embroidery shop, customizing a prison outfit with the phrase “Property of Georgie” on the back.