Retired U.S. General Ready To Tout Whichever Stance On Ukraine War Will Make Him More Money

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A retired U.S. General, who last served in the Bush administration, resurfaced after years of staying silent on relevant military and political issues to make his expert voice heard on the Ukraine war.

With no genuine opinion and a desperate need for cash, the General prepared a slate of blanket statements and refused to take a definitive stance until someone paid him to tout their point of view.

According to text messages discovered by The Gas Lamp, the General was the subject of a bidding war between Lockheed Martin, who was lobbying him to say that America needs to get more involved in the war, and Donald Trump Jr., who was lobbying him to simply repeat President Trump’s talking points and call Zelensky a bitch as many times as he could.

With no enticing offer after an entire day of negotiation, the General went on Fox News Wednesday afternoon to regurgitate a bunch of buzzwords with the goal of forcing his bidders to up their antes.

“This is unprecedented,” the General said. “Never before in history has there been a situation like this. On one hand, you have a country that is pissed off. And on the other hand, you have another country that is pissed off. And both countries have valuable land. And both countries have people who have suffered. In all my years as a United States General, I’ve never seen such a simple yet complicated problem in the part of the world the two said countries exist in.”

Unable to understand the General’s cryptic message, Dana Perino followed up with a series of questions about whether or not he supported escalating the war in Ukraine. But he just kept shouting, “This is unprecedented!” as he repeatedly glanced at his phone to see if either bidder had made a good enough offer. 

At press time, the General demanded his bidders triple their offers for him to take their side on the Israel-Palestine conflict.