As the political divide continues to widen, many Americans are asking an important question: Will we be getting new uniforms for the impending civil war, or will we have to wear the same ugly blue and gray ones as last time?
A recent study found that nearly three-fourths of Americans believe another civil war in the United States is imminent, and that their biggest concern is that they would have to go into battle wearing something fugly, bleh, or sus af.
“Ain’t no way I’m wearing the scratchy shit. I’m wearing these sweatpants and my Crocs, I don’t care what they say,” a woman from Baltimore said. “These overalls are tactical,” another man from Kansas said. “I go out and fight wild boars in the forest every day, and they work just fine for that. I don’t see why I need some sort of fancy shmancy dri-fit shorts.”
According to the Pentagon, some of America’s top clothing brands, like Nike, Adidas, and Lululemon, have already submitted bids to the U.S. government provider of war uniforms, with each company offering a variety of sleek designs that would make the armies proud to give up their lives for a stupid cause.
At press time, the Trump campaign was seen sending out a fundraising campaign offering the individual who donates the most to Trump’s third-term reelection fund the chance to have final say in the uniform designs.
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