FORT BRAGG, NC – As tension between the United States and Greenland continues to escalate, President Trump announced yesterday that he was planning to send a hodge-podge group of out-of-shape, barely-qualified Army reserves to see out the takeover of the island.
The move comes shortly after Denmark and its European allies officially deployed troops to Greenland in preparation for a possible invasion.
While many of his allies are criticizing him for going back on a key campaign promise not to start any new wars, President Trump insists that a conflict with the Danish army “hardly counts” as a new war and is the equivalent of “sending the current versions of the 1996 Dream Team to play the WNBA All-Stars.”
“Denmark can send all the troops they want,” Trump said. “I think… I could be wrong… but I think the last armed conflict they were a part of was in the Great Penguin War in 1925. They’re certainly not the mighty Vikings they used to be, believe me.”
At press time, Vice President JD Vance announced that the administration was considering a more diplomatic option to annexing Greenland by simply sending barges full of illegal immigrants until they capitulate.
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