Local
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Following Therapists’ Advice, Misguided New Jersey Woman Attempts To “Seek Validation” By Harassing Parking Attendant
TRENTON, NJ – Attempting to follow the advice of her therapist, 24-year-old Jenny Scarpetto had to be restrained by local authorities on Tuesday for harassing the Independence Plaza Mall parking attendant in an effort to ‘seek validation from those around her’. “How is this piece of paper supposed to make me feel better? I don’t
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Local Dad Sends Another Text To “Family” Group Chat Containing No Members Of His Family
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – Despite numerous warnings from his children, local dad Ted Blumhouse continued to inundate acquaintances and old coworkers with outdated memes, offensive jokes, and broken links to conspiracy theories in what he thinks is his family’s group chat. “HahaaHaja,” Ted texted along with a flurry of gifs of Borat, the Impractical Jokers,
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Man Miraculously Burns 10,000 Calories Jogging In Place While Waiting For The Light To Change
BOULDER, CO – In what some are calling the fitness hack of the century and others are calling a technological glitch, 38-year-old Kevin Smith reportedly burned 10,000 calories jogging in place while waiting for the light to change on Thursday afternoon. “I always thought those people who jogged in place at the light were so
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Captain Promises To Take Passengers To McDonald’s Drive-Thru If Everyone Behaves On Flight
BUFFALO, NY – Just before Frontier flight N328FR took off from Buffalo to San Francisco on Friday, Captain Mike Rogers told passengers that he would take the plane to McDonald’s halfway through if everyone was on their best behavior. “We’re sorry to announce that we have no food on this flight,” Captain Rogers said. “But
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Man With Zero Ambition Shares Another Motivational Quote On Instagram
TOLEDO, OH – Local basement dweller Tommy Disorbo took a hard-earned break from playing Call of Duty Tuesday afternoon to share another motivational quote to his 54 followers of old high school friends, community college associates, and former Buffalo Wild Wings coworkers. The post featured a picture of a lion tearing apart a gazelle with
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Researchers Discover Smoking Cigarettes Can Cause Getting Massive Amounts Of Pussy
BERKELEY, CA – Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley recently discovered a new long-term side effect of smoking cigarettes: getting massive amounts of pussy. “We were quite stunned by the findings,” Dr. Susan Bramford told The Gas Lamp. “With vaping and nicotine pouches increasingly popular among young people, we didn’t expect cigarettes to still
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Sign of Hard Times? Stock Image People Looking Increasingly More Stressed Out
As further evidence that many Americans are going through hard times, researchers at the University of Nebraska discovered a startling new trend of stock image people looking increasingly more stressed out. “We don’t exactly know what’s causing this,” Professor Suzanne Schenck said. “It could be the threat of global war, with the conflicts in Israel
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Young Couple Excited to Close on First Open House Brochure
SPRINGFIELD, VA – After saving for nearly ten years, a local young couple was finally able to make one of their lifelong dreams come true and close on their first open house brochure. “This is such an exciting moment for us,” 28-year-old Katie Johnson told the real estate agent. “We know the brochure is free,
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Woman Confident Hiring Manager Will Reach Back Out Any Second Now
SAVANNAH, GA – Shortly after submitting her resume for a marketing analyst position at a large retail company, recent college graduate Nora Grundleson sat eagerly at her computer, waiting for a prompt response from the hiring manager. “Gee, I can’t wait for them to respond,” Grundleson said to herself. “If they’re good at their jobs,
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Only Way Out: Man Contemplates Suicide After Ending Up on Too Many Email Lists
NEWARK, NJ – Scrolling through hundreds of promotional emails that piled up during his vacation, local man Tommy DiSorbo stared contemplatively at a rope in his garage, slowly realizing that the only escape from the relentless stream of email lists might be the sweet release of death. “I just can’t take it anymore,” DiSorbo mumbled,
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Newly Hired Analyst Attends Networking Event to Actually Network
DENVER, CO – Newly hired marketing analyst Jay Tunstall eagerly arrived at the Western Regional Marketers Association Conference on Wednesday to do something that is seldom done at networking events: network. As the only representative from his company, Sparkplug Media—which sent him so none of the other staff members had to go—Tunstall set an ambitious