Local
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Overly Aggressive Officer Takes ‘Cops And Robbers’ Foreplay Too Far
LANSING, MI – What started off as a playful and erotic game between local law enforcement officer Ted Johnson and his wife Donna quickly turned into another ruined sex night for the couple when Ted’s police training kicked in during foreplay. “Everything started off fine,” Officer Johnson said. “I got home around 7:30 and found…
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Woman Discovers Secret To Making It All About Her By Pretending To Hold Back Tears
NEW YORK CITY, NY – In the middle of a crowded metro car on Monday, 33-year-old Jenny Tedesco discovered the secret to making it all about her while consoling a friend who had just been cheated on. “I’m just-I’m just so sorry for you,” Tedesco was heard saying over the phone. “You just deserve, like,…
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Jesus Takes The Wheel, Causes Massive Pileup Leaving 21 Injured
A local man stumbled out of a bar late Wednesday night, realizing—perhaps for the first time—that he was too drunk to drive. While such a realization had never stopped him before, he clutched his keys and, in a moment of divine inspiration, shouted, “Jesus, take the wheel!” To his shock, Jesus Christ himself suddenly appeared…
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Sleepy Plane Tries To Get Some Rest After A Long Flight
TORONTO, CANADA – On Monday, Delta flight 4819 from Minneapolis flipped over after crash-landing on a snowy runway. While all 80 passengers and crew survived, flight experts say that the incident wasn’t out of the ordinary and may have been a sign that the plane was exhausted. “While it doesn’t happen often, sometimes planes get…
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Community Wondering Who Keeps Leaving Copies Of Mein Kampf In Little Free Library Boxes
Just an hour outside of Charleston, South Carolina, the small suburban town of Springfield erupted in chaos on Thursday when residents reported seeing a suspicious number of copies of Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf in the little free library boxes around town. “I was doing my daily walk down Burke Street the other day and stopped…
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Punxsutawney Phil Sees Six More Weeks Of Winter And 1,000 More Years Of Jihad
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – On the 138th annual Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil peeked out of his hole and saw his shadow, signifying six more weeks of winter. But unlike most years, Phil the groundhog stood paralyzingly still, staring at the sky for nearly 20 minutes as if he was experiencing a horrific PTSD episode. After the…
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Woman Discovers Secret To Making It All About Her By Pretending To Hold Back Tears
NEW YORK CITY, NY – In the middle of a crowded metro car on Monday, 33-year-old Jenny Tedesco discovered the secret to making it all about her while consoling a friend who had just been cheated on. “I’m just-I’m just so sorry for you,” Tedesco was heard saying over the phone. “You just deserve, like,…
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Last Un-Pranked Man In New York City Reveals Secret To Not Getting Got
NEW YORK CITY, NY – On Friday, the last un-pranked man in New York City, who has asked to remain anonymous, revealed his secrets to avoid being publicly embarrassed on national television longer than anyone else. “The key is to cover up everything, stay low, and don’t trust anything around you,” the man said. “Try…
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Man Celebrates First Parlay Win Of The Season At Divorce Proceedings
DENVER, CO – “Are you kidding me?!” 36-year-old Brock Williams shouted at his divorce proceedings on Monday. But Brock wasn’t reacting to the news that he was going to lose custody of his children or his house. Rather, he was celebrating winning his first parlay of the season after the Nets-Lakers game hit a 240.5…
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Brewery Waitress Fired For Showing Up To Work With Shaved Armpits
PORTLAND, OR – Local waitress Tammy Watson was fired from Wandering Spirit Brewery on Saturday for showing up to work not reeking of body odor, sporting cleaned and combed hair, and – perhaps the most egregious offense – having shaved armpits. “We really dropped the ball hiring her in the first place,” the brewery’s general…
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Teen Discovers ‘Local Milfs In His Area’ Are All His Teachers
DENVER, CO – Mullen High sophomore Dan Nygard made a startling discovery on Saturday when he finally got the courage to click on the ad promoting local milfs in his area during his weekly Pornhub session. For weeks, Dan and his friends laughed at the ad that repeatedly popped up on the popular porn site…
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Corporate Manager Sets World Record For Most Amount Of “Any More Questions?” Asked In A 30 Minute Meeting
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – 33-year-old Prosperity Insurance Group Manager Tiffany DiMarco made history on Thursday by asking coworkers if they had any other questions a world-record 27 times in a 30-minute all-staff meeting about the company’s new reimbursement policies and paid time off request. According to some staff members, the information presented could have easily been…