10 Offenses That Will Get You Thrown In Prison For Life As A Straight White Male In England

In an effort to uphold the Western, democratic values England is known for, Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced that white men who commit minor crimes would start being treated ‘a lot harsher’.

While hundreds of men have already been arrested for the unspeakable acts of speaking freely or supporting traditional British cultural heritage, The Gas Lamp compiled a list of the top ten offenses that will get you thrown in prison for the rest of your miserable days as a straight white man in Britain.

Misgendering a non-binary trans person of color - The bulges in their throat and pants can throw you off, but that’s not an excuse for not knowing what gender they’re feeling that day.

Posting a meme of King Charles making a funny face - Making fun of your rulers is the kind of fascist behavior that got six million Jews killed.

Swiping left on an obese black woman on Tinder - You’re basically saying you want to enslave black people again.

Voting Conservative - The ballot is a trick question. Voting for any party other than Labour is anti-democracy.

Traveling three towns over to enjoy a proper British meal - The fact that you drove past 302 halal restaurants is racist towards your Pakistani compatriots.

Saying Merry Christmas to your neighbors on Christmas - Awfully bigoted of you to not consider all the possibilities of what they believe by wishing them a happy Hanukkah, Eid Mubarak, happy Kwanza, and merry Diwali every year.

Waving the British flag outside your home - Oh, so colonizing underprivileged people is fun to you? Interesting.

Claiming your favorite Spice Girl is either Posh Spice, Sporty Spice, Baby Spice, or Ginger Spice - If the only black woman isn’t your favorite, you’re definitely racist and deserve life behind bars.

Taking a poof of a fag - Smoking a cigarette isn’t an excuse to appropriate queer culture.

Having a perfectly aligned, full set of teeth – The most obvious sign that you’re a spy seeking to undermine the British government.