As First Official DNI Act, Tulsi Gabbard Announces She’ll Investigate Nation’s Dalmatians

WASHINGTON, D.C. - On Wednesday, the Senate voted 52-48 to confirm former-Democratic Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard as Trump’s Director of National Intelligence. 

Upon confirmation, Gabbard announced that her first official act would be leading the department in investigating and rounding up America’s Dalmatians in a K-9 gestapo-like fashion.

“The United States government is festering with corrupt bureaucrats who have two things in common - their love for spying on American citizens, and their love of Dalmatians. Dalmatians are a status symbol of these elite oligarchs, and I plan to investigate and round up each and every one of these cocky furry bastards. We’ll find the little mongrels if it takes till next Christmas!” Gabbard said in a press conference.

Gabbard has long been critical of federal intelligence agencies for suppressing free speech, spying on American citizens, and covering up instances of government corruption. 

But many, including President Trump, overlooked her resemblance to the iconic Disney villain, Cruella De Vil, and failed to take seriously her obsession with handmade furs and disdain for spotted dogs. According to an anonymous source within the National Intelligence Department, the writing may have been on the wall. 

“We do a thorough vetting of every government employee,” the source told The Gas Lamp. “Last month, we discovered an audio recording of Mrs. Gabbard hunting with Kristi Noem in South Dakota. After a few hours of attempting to hunt deer, they didn’t have any luck and decided instead to go through a local neighborhood hunting dogs just for fun. The whole thing was Tulsi’s idea.”

At press time, Gabbard was seen entering the National Intelligence offices in a new black and white fur coat and refused to comment on the suspicious disappearance of 101 Dalmatians in the D.C. area.