Terrorist Groups Across The World Panicking Over USAID Crackdown

The Trump administration’s decision to audit USAID and cancel billions of dollars worth of payments has some of the world's most notorious terrorist organizations and revolutionary groups panicking.

The Gas Lamp compiled a list of official statements from the groups who are most concerned with how they’ll stay afloat without the help of American taxpayers. 

Al-Qaeda

“We strongly condemn the actions of infidel Donald J. Trump. USAID has been central in fulfilling Allah’s will, peace be upon him, to instill a permanent Islamic state throughout the world. May Trump and his entire family die a thousand deaths for threatening the Creator’s mighty vision of jihad.”

Ukrainian Nazis

“USAID has been instrumental in our mission to expel vile communists, Jews, and immigrants from our land. President Trump’s decision to cancel this critical funding will destroy our goal of restoring Ukraine to a pure ethno-state like the mighty Führer intended.”

Hamas

“Trump’s actions have put our mission to rid the world of Israelites in terrible jeopardy. We call on our American allies like Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and George W. Bush to step up and stop this nonsense immediately.”

Boko Haram

“The funding we received from USAID gave us the ability to buy toys, video games, and fun snacks for our 20,000 child soldiers. Without the resources to continue recruiting Africa’s youth, our struggle for total military control of the Mother Continent may soon perish.”

The Human Rights Campaign

“Trump’s decision to eliminate USAID is a direct threat to every LGBTQIA+ individual in the world. Which is really everyone on Earth, including those who haven’t yet been convinced that they’re queer or transgender by our lifesaving work.”

Sinaloa Cartel

“We play a major role in propping up the global economy by facilitating hundreds of billions of dollars worth of Chinese fentanyl exports throughout the western hemisphere. Our demands are simple: Resume USAID payments, or we’ll hang 100 Mexicans from the Puente Baluarte Bridge every day.”