FBI Stocks Up On Spare Drywall In Preparation For Dan Bongino

WASHINGTON, D.C. - On Sunday, President Trump named former Fox News host Dan Bongino as Deputy Director of the FBI.

In response, the FBI reportedly ordered 3,000 pounds of drywall in preparation for all the holes they expect him to punch in the walls.

According to the manager of a Home Depot in Arlington, Virginia, a group of agents visited his store Monday afternoon and asked to buy “all the drywall they had in stock.” When the manager told them that he didn’t have as much as they needed, the agents continued to press him about other materials that could patch fist-sized holes. 

Reports of Bongino’s aggressive behavior were further confirmed by an anonymous intern at Fox News who mentioned that part of his job was to buy wall patching kits from local hardware stores every Monday and Wednesday following Bongino’s segments.

“He never threatened to hit any of us,” the intern told The Gas Lamp. “But every time he got off the air he would beeline it to the water cooler and go to town. At one point, we taped pictures of Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama around the office to see who he was mad at more. But the next morning, any photo of a liberal we left up was completely torn to shreds.”

At press time, the Pentagon announced that it planned to install a series of ‘rage rooms’ around the building, specially designed for new Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.