Vatican Brings In Zulu Witch Doctor To Heal Pope Francis

THE VATICAN - As Pope Francis remains in critical condition following a mild kidney failure, the Vatican is proving its commitment to doing anything to heal the Holy Father. 

In a break from their traditional prayer procedures, a group of Cardinals were seen escorting a Zulu witch doctor into the Gemelli Hospital in Rome to perform an ancient shamanic dance that is supposed to bring good health to those who witness it.

“WAYAAAAAAA BALANGLANG!” the priest shouted as he waved a big stick and blew smoke around Pope Francis. “MAY DA SPIRITS IN DEY SKY COME DOWN AND RID DIS BLOATED MAN PON DA DEMONS INSIDE HIM ALALALALA!”

The move surprised Catholics around the world, who view this as a blasphemous betrayal of their beliefs and a sign that the Church has become too progressive over the past few years. 

But, according to religious historians, the ritual has less to do with the Church’s increasingly liberal values and is more symbolic of the fact that many in the Holy See have lost complete faith in God over the past few years.

Those suspicions were confirmed when an anonymous source revealed that Pope Francis accidentally dropped a note at the altar in his last mass before falling ill that read: “I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what any of us are doing. None of this is real. Oh, Jesus! H. Christ, what have I wasted my life doing?!”

At press time, spiritual men from around the world including Chinese Monks, Afghani Imams, and Amazonian Tribal priests were en route to Rome to capitalize on the Church’s crisis of faith.