God Asks Pope Francis What All The Gay Stuff Was About

On Monday, Pope Francis passed away after a long battle with heart and respiratory issues.

Confident he’d be welcomed into Heaven after a lifetime of service, Francis strutted to the pearly gates with a grin and a sense of pride. God, however, had other plans, motioning for the Pope to “hang tight” while He consulted with angelic security about whether to admit him, given his unusual defense of gay people.

“Help me understand something, pal,” God said to Pope Francis. “I stated in the Bible that being gay is a no-no. I think it’s in there like twelve time. I don’t know, I just think if I had said something so clearly, you wouldn’t need to do a whole lot of ‘interpretation’. Want to clear this up for me?”

“Your Holiness,” Francis replied, “gay people are human beings, just like me or your only begotten Son, Jesus. They deserve the same love and promise of eternal life.”

“Nah, nah, nah, I’m not buying it,” God interjected. “Every other pope got the memo. Gays, trannies, hermaphrodites, and quadruple paraplegics don’t get in here. Persona non grata. Capice?”

According to an eavesdropping angel, Francis desperately tried to save his reputation, even going so far as to to blame his pro-LGBT statements as an attempt to seem “cool” to impress Barack Obama. 

At press time, God reluctantly let Pope Francis into Heaven but assigned him a spot on the sketchy outskirts of town in Heaven’s favela.