Trump Offers $5k Baby Bonuses For New Mothers, $10k Bonuses If They’re His

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With birth rates in the United States declining, President Trump announced a bold new plan to give new mothers up to $5,000 for each baby they have and $10,000 if the baby is his.

“It’s quite sad what’s happening out there,” President Trump said in an interview Monday afternoon. “People can’t afford to have babies anymore, thanks to Sleepy Joe. We’re going to change that real soon, I promise. I’ll even personally help out by impregnating any woman in America who wants to have a handsome, healthy baby that looks just like me. Melania is fine with it, I checked.”

When asked how that would be possible at a large scale, Trump assured The Gas Lamp that virility was “not a problem” and that he could easily sleep with millions of women by the end of his term.

At press time, Trump launched branded vials of his sperm for sale in the Trump store, priced at $49.99.