Local 5th-Grader Shunned For Not Having Nuanced Opinion On Israel-Palestine Conflict

SEATTLE, WA - Local 5th-grader Timmy Chan, who enjoys playing with Legos and watching Marvel movies, was shunned by his teachers and classmates Thursday afternoon for failing to participate in a roundtable discussion about the Israel-Palestine conflict, signifying his complete ignorance on the subject.

“Really, Timmy,” classmate Susie O’Donnell snapped as the class headed to lunch. “You don’t feel sorry for the poor Gazans who’ve had their homes destroyed by the IDF? Or what about the families of the innocent Israelis who were raped and murdered by Hamas? Surely you must have some opinion on the matter?! I bet you don’t even watch CNN Kids!”

While Timmy’s parents were outraged by the abusive treatment their son received, his teacher, Mrs. Johnson defended the students' condemnation and criticized them for raising a son who was so naive about complex geopolitical issues. 

“It’s really quite embarrassing,” Mrs. Johnson explained. “These kids spend all this time in P.E. and on the playground simulating the struggles of the Palestinian people as they run for their lives from their oppressive occupiers, and to still not know how you feel about the whole thing is mind-boggling.”

At press time, Timmy was forced to attend a 9-hour course about how to properly engage with trolls on X.