Musk Rejoices As He Overtakes Trump On White House’s Death Threats Leaderboard

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following a string of protests at Tesla plants across the country, DOGE Chief Elon Musk barged into the Oval Office on Monday, jumping for joy and jeering at President Trump for surpassing him on the administration’s ‘Death Threats’ leaderboard. 

“Ha ha Donald, guess who’s got more death threats!”, Musk shouted as he shoved a powder-covered letter in the President’s face. “Barron, add another tally next to my name!”

What started off as a playful joke has quickly turned into a fierce competition, with cabinet members battling for bragging rights over who could amass the most death threats in their first 100 days in office.

“Ahh, you got me, Elon,” Trump conceded. “But I’d watch your back. I’m shutting down the Department of Education next week, and I hear Bobby is going to cut subsidies to Big Pharma soon. We’re coming back!”

According to sources in the administration, Trump has started to lead each cabinet meeting by going down the leaderboard and ridiculing those with low numbers. “Really, Pam? You only have 500. That’s pathetic, I mean really you’ve got to start arresting people.” Trump poked at Attorney General Bondi. 

After the assassination attempts on Trump over the summer, the Secret Service has beefed up its efforts to thwart potential threats on the President’s life.

But over the past few weeks, they’ve become overwhelmed as Trump’s team has pressured them to broaden what counts as a death threat. 

“C’mon man! This guy said that he hopes I have a very bad day and that something bad happens to me. How is that not a death threat?!” FBI Director Kash Patel snapped at a junior Secret Service agent. 

At press time, Musk was seen hiding in a White House storage closet, posting fake death threats from a burner account on X.