Terrorist! Arab Gas Station Clerk Intentionally Sets Pumps To Go Slower In The Cold

SCHAUMBURG, IL - Residents of a small Chicago suburb were shocked to learn that a local 7-Eleven clerk was caught executing an extremist plot to make customers suffer in the brutal cold by rigging gas pumps to dispense fuel more slowly.

Authorities report that 44-year-old Syrian immigrant Abdul Al-Sharif is currently in custody, facing charges of conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism.

During the investigation, officials uncovered disturbing evidence suggesting the store clerk had been radicalized by YouTube videos of Impractical Jokers, The Eric Andre Show, and Jackass - which the humorless FBI agents didn’t know were prank shows. Investigators also found a manifesto filled with suspicious phrases, which Al-Sharif claims are merely jokes he’s been working on as part of his comedy routine.

“I never meant to hurt anybody, I swear. I just love comedy and wanted to prank these white people,” Al-Sharif pleaded. “All I ever wanted was to run up to a soccer mom and yell ‘Got ’em!’ Please don’t send me back to Syria.”

Despite his explanations, some community members remain unconvinced of his harmless intentions.

“I can’t believe someone would do this,” said a local mom. “I drive a pickup truck, and it already takes a while to fill up. Lately, it’s been taking longer and longer, and standing out in the cold is just miserable. What was this guy thinking?!”

At press time, the FBI was investigating a possible terrorist cell linked to Al-Sharif at the Mecca Laughs comedy club.