Radical Toyotathonite Terrorists Kill 34 Hondaday Monks In Devastating Attack

In a shocking act of violence, a radical sect of Toyotathonites firebombed an apartment complex housing Hondadayist monks on Friday morning, killing 34 and leaving the automotive religious community in mourning.

Hours after the attack, Toyotathonite leader Prius Al-Highlander released a chilling video claiming responsibility. “The Toyota Owners Manual commands us to eradicate the filthy infidels who celebrate Honda Days,” he declared, clutching a dog-eared copy of the 2023 Camry warranty guide. “Their blasphemous lease deals and zero-percent APR offers mock our sacred financing packages!”

The attack has sparked outrage across the nation. In Washington, D.C., conservative protesters stormed the Capitol, waving “Honk for Honda” signs and urging the Trump administration to take military action against the Toyotathonite extremists. “Enough is enough!” shouted one protester, sporting a “Civic Pride” bumper sticker. “These fanatics can’t keep targeting our monks over heated seats and reliability ratings!”

In response, the Trump administration condemned the attack and announced plans to pursue military action against Al-Highlander and his followers. “These radical extremists have no place in a civilized society,” President Trump stated during a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, flanked by a gleaming Accord Hybrid. “We’re gonna wipe out Prius owners—figuratively, of course—and ensure Hondadayists can seek political refuge in the United States. At the end of the day, we all share a common dream: to drive affordably and safely in a midsize sedan or SUV with decent gas mileage.”

At press time, the Trump administration announced that he would be sending America’s “best and bravest” Jiffy Lube employees to hunt down Al-Highlander, who remains at large.