White House Reports Stock Market Has Magically Jumped Back Up With Totally Real, Totally Not Crayon-Drawn Chart

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As whispers of an impending recession ripple through the nation, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt took to the podium Tuesday to calm fears with a dazzling display of economic optimism: a chart proving the stock market had magically surged overnight.

“Listen up, folks—yes, you, CNN and MSNBC—the economy is thriving,” Leavitt declared, jabbing a finger at the assembled press corps. “President Trump pulled an all-nighter, waved his magic deal-making wand, and voilà—the stock market is soaring. Look at this green line! It’s going up, up, up!”

The chart in question featured a rapid upward trajectory which reporters quickly suspected was crudely drawn with a crayon.

“Was President Trump’s so-called ‘overnight work session’ just him doodling a fantasy stock market spike?” CNN’s Kaitlan Collins asked.

“Absolutely not!” Leavitt fired back, clutching the chart protectively. “This is a real, official document straight from Wall Street—a very serious businessman named Mr. Monopoly handed it to the president himself.”

Despite Leavitt’s claims, skepticism further thickened when Fox News’ Peter Doocy, typically a friendly face, pointed out a green crayon rolling off the podium and clattering to the floor.

Sensing the tide turning, Leavitt doubled down. “You all better start believing this administration’s economic genius, or we’ll yank your press passes faster than you can say ‘fake news,’” she warned with an icy tone.

At press time, Leavitt unveiled a second masterpiece: another hand-drawn chart, this one depicting President Trump and Elon Musk’s approval ratings rocketing past all historical benchmarks—complete with a stick-figure of the two billionaires riding a rocket to the moon.