Politics
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Mexico Regains ‘Major Shithole’ Status
Following the assassination of drug kingpin El Mencho, chaos has erupted across Mexico as cartels have wreaked havoc on towns across the country, terrorizing millions of residents and travelers. Over the past few years, Mexico has reportedly gotten safer for international visitors as the new generation of cartel leaders have made efforts to prioritize business
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Melania Officially Reaches Final ‘I Hate You’ Phase Of Marriage
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As President Trump kicked off his State of the Union speech on Tuesday, he made sure to first acknowledge first lady Melania Trump, who, amidst thunderous applause, looked back from the upper balcony with a level of disdain that signified she has officially reached the “I hate you” phase of her marriage
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Investigators Find Really Cool Rock Outside Nancy Guthrie’s Home
TUCSON, AZ – As the search for Nancy Guthrie enters its fourth week, investigators announced that they made a major breakthrough in the case by discovering a really cool rock just feet away from her front door. “I’m pleased to announce that today, members of the Arizona State Police, along with our allies in the
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AOC Demands To Have A Word With The Tiny Mustache Guy During Germany Visit
MUNICH, GERMANY – Concluding her speech to attendees at the Munich Security Conference earlier this week, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez demanded that the event organizers let her have a word with Germany’s infamous chancellor, whose name she refused to say outloud, and attempted to rally the crowd to join her in storming his office.
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Nicki Minaj Excited To Headline First Official White House Twerk Off
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following President Trump’s recent pledge to enact nationwide voter ID laws, rapper Nicki Minaj broke off from her counterparts in the music industry by doubling down in her support for the administration and its agenda. As a token of appreciation for her support, President Trump announced that she would headline the White
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Iran Threatens Deadly Strikes On U.S. Once They Figure Out How To Make Planes Take Off
TEHRAN, IRAN – With U.S. naval carriers looming on its shores, the Islamic Republic of Iran threatened to launch an attack on American soil as soon as it figures out how to make planes take off. “Death to America is coming,” Ayatollah Khamenei said on Thursday. “As I speak, our top military engineers are developing
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Facing PR Crisis, ICE Implements New, Less Violent Methods Of Catching Illegals
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Facing a sudden and unjustified reputation crisis, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency implemented a series of new, less violent tactics to catch illegal immigrants—the most successful of which has been placing a Corona and a taco under a box trap while two officers hide in the bushes, ready to pounce. According
