Politics
-
Iran Threatens Deadly Strikes On U.S. Once They Figure Out How To Make Planes Take Off
TEHRAN, IRAN – With U.S. naval carriers looming on its shores, the Islamic Republic of Iran threatened to launch an attack on American soil as soon as it figures out how to make planes take off. “Death to America is coming,” Ayatollah Khamenei said on Thursday. “As I speak, our top military engineers are developing
-
Facing PR Crisis, ICE Implements New, Less Violent Methods Of Catching Illegals
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Facing a sudden and unjustified reputation crisis, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency implemented a series of new, less violent tactics to catch illegal immigrants—the most successful of which has been placing a Corona and a taco under a box trap while two officers hide in the bushes, ready to pounce. According
-
Trump Mobilizes D-Team Army Reserves To Take Greenland
FORT BRAGG, NC – As tension between the United States and Greenland continues to escalate, President Trump announced yesterday that he was planning to send a hodge-podge group of out-of-shape, barely-qualified Army reserves to see out the takeover of the island. The move comes shortly after Denmark and its European allies officially deployed troops to
-
Trump Brings Back Wrongfully Deported Guatemalan Man After Seeing Disastrous State of White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a rare admission of guilt, the Trump administration brought back a Guatemalan immigrant who was wrongfully deported to Mexico. According to sources, Trump realized he might have made a mistake in deporting some of the Hispanic White House groundskeepers when he discovered the disastrous state of the South Lawn during an
-
Trump Finds “1 Free Extra Term” Coupon In White House Attic As Proof He Can Run Again
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Adding to the list of things that are throwing Democrats into a spiral, President Trump announced earlier last week that he plans to “work around” the 22nd Amendment and seek a third term in 2028. When grilled by reporters in a press conference on Monday afternoon, Trump pulled a crumpled document from
-
Disgusting! Trump’s Press Secretary Gives Upside-Down Nazi Salute At Press Conference
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Just a few weeks after Elon Musk seemingly flashed a Nazi salute during a post-Inauguration rally, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt further confirmed the administration’s fascist undertones by giving an inverted Nazi salute while pointing to a reporter in Friday’s press conference. As White House correspondents blurted out questions, Leavitt rapidly
-
Nation Wondering If We’ll Get New Civil War Uniforms Or Have To Wear Same Ugly Ones As Last Time
With fears of a civil war breaking out after the election, many Americans are asking an important question: Will we have to wear the same blue and gray cotton outfits as the last civil war, or will we get to wear something more stylish and comfortable? A new poll released on Monday showed that 72%
-
Somalia and Ethiopia Agree To End Decade-Long War Over Seven Goats
MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – With wars in the Middle East and Eastern Europe still raging on, the world got slightly more peaceful on Friday after Somalia and Ethiopia agreed to end nearly a decade-long war over seven goats. The war, which began in the summer of 2015, has seen more than 500,000 military casualties and nearly
