Politics
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Investigators Find Really Cool Rock Outside Nancy Guthrie’s Home
TUCSON, AZ – As the search for Nancy Guthrie enters its fourth week, investigators announced that they made a major breakthrough in the case by discovering a really cool rock just feet away from her front door. “I’m pleased to announce that today, members of the Arizona State Police, along with our allies in the…
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AOC Demands To Have A Word With The Tiny Mustache Guy During Germany Visit
MUNICH, GERMANY – Concluding her speech to attendees at the Munich Security Conference earlier this week, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez demanded that the event organizers let her have a word with Germany’s infamous chancellor, whose name she refused to say outloud, and attempted to rally the crowd to join her in storming his office.…
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Nicki Minaj Excited To Headline First Official White House Twerk Off
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following President Trump’s recent pledge to enact nationwide voter ID laws, rapper Nicki Minaj broke off from her counterparts in the music industry by doubling down in her support for the administration and its agenda. As a token of appreciation for her support, President Trump announced that she would headline the White…
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Iran Threatens Deadly Strikes On U.S. Once They Figure Out How To Make Planes Take Off
TEHRAN, IRAN – With U.S. naval carriers looming on its shores, the Islamic Republic of Iran threatened to launch an attack on American soil as soon as it figures out how to make planes take off. “Death to America is coming,” Ayatollah Khamenei said on Thursday. “As I speak, our top military engineers are developing…
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Facing PR Crisis, ICE Implements New, Less Violent Methods Of Catching Illegals
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Facing a sudden and unjustified reputation crisis, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency implemented a series of new, less violent tactics to catch illegal immigrants—the most successful of which has been placing a Corona and a taco under a box trap while two officers hide in the bushes, ready to pounce. According…
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Trump Mobilizes D-Team Army Reserves To Take Greenland
FORT BRAGG, NC – As tension between the United States and Greenland continues to escalate, President Trump announced yesterday that he was planning to send a hodge-podge group of out-of-shape, barely-qualified Army reserves to see out the takeover of the island. The move comes shortly after Denmark and its European allies officially deployed troops to…
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Trump Brings Back Wrongfully Deported Guatemalan Man After Seeing Disastrous State of White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a rare admission of guilt, the Trump administration brought back a Guatemalan immigrant who was wrongfully deported to Mexico. According to sources, Trump realized he might have made a mistake in deporting some of the Hispanic White House groundskeepers when he discovered the disastrous state of the South Lawn during an…
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Trump Finds “1 Free Extra Term” Coupon In White House Attic As Proof He Can Run Again
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Adding to the list of things that are throwing Democrats into a spiral, President Trump announced earlier last week that he plans to “work around” the 22nd Amendment and seek a third term in 2028. When grilled by reporters in a press conference on Monday afternoon, Trump pulled a crumpled document from…
