Politics
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Hypocrite! RFK Caught Abusing Cheeto Dust In Bathroom Stall Before Meeting With Food Execs
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shortly before a meeting with the heads of America’s biggest food corporations on Tuesday, DHHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was caught trying to get a quick fix by rubbing Cheeto dust on his teeth like it was cocaine. “Is everything okay in there?” an intern asked after hearing RFK Jr. making
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Cory Booker Breaks Record For Most Adult Diapers Soiled In A Senate Session
Senator Cory Booker received widespread praise from Democratic colleagues after breaking the record for the longest filibuster ever recorded in the Senate chamber. While his 24-hour filibuster was an impressive achievement, it was overshadowed by an even more remarkable feat: Booker used seven adult diapers throughout the course of the speech—more than any other senator
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Trump Recounts Favorite Bible Verse Where Jesus and the Easter Bunny Battle Leprechauns to Save Judea
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stark departure from his predecessor’s approach, President Trump launched a grand Easter celebration at the White House on Sunday. “This day holds a special place in my heart,” the President told families gathered across the South Lawn. “Every year, I turn to my favorite book, the Bible, and my favorite
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Fetterman Demands Trump Crack Down On Sonic The Hedgehog
WASHINGTON, D.C. – During Monday’s meeting with El Salvadoran President Nayib Bukele, President Trump joked that he would follow in the footsteps of his new dictator buddy and get so aggressive on deporting illegal immigrants that he would even kick Speedy Gonzales out of the country if he ran into him. Shortly after the meeting,
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Local 5th-Grader Shunned For Not Having Nuanced Opinion On Israel-Palestine Conflict
SEATTLE, WA – Local 5th-grader Timmy Chan, who enjoys playing with Legos and watching Marvel movies, was shunned by his teachers and classmates Thursday afternoon for failing to participate in a roundtable discussion about the Israel-Palestine conflict, signifying his complete ignorance of the subject. “Really, Timmy,” classmate Susie O’Donnell snapped as the class headed to
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Republicans and Democrats Agree To Ban Women From Women’s Sports
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the debate around whether transgender women should be allowed to compete in women’s sports continues, congressional Republicans and Democrats came together in a rare moment of bipartisanship with a new bill that would ban women from women’s sports. “We were all scratching our heads, wondering why we hadn’t thought of it
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Iran Inches Closer To Nuclear Weapons By Successfully Taking Apart A Microwave And Putting It Back Together
TEHRAN, IRAN – As tension between the United States and Iran continues to grow, the Islamic Republic inched closer to obtaining nuclear weapons on Thursday when its top engineers successfully took apart a microwave and put it back together. “Infidels, be warned!” Ayatollah Khamenei posted on X on Thursday afternoon. “Today, the Holy Islamic Republic
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Rep. Thanedar Bumped Down A Caste Level After Failed Impeachment Attempt
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic leaders called on Rep. Shri Thanedar to abandon his impeachment push against President Trump on Wednesday out of fears that it would only further tarnish the dwindling reputation of the party. In response to the failed impeachment attempt, many Indian cultural and religious societies have called on Thanedar to be bumped
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Saudi Crown Prince Shows Trump Cool New Way To Get Rid Of Illegal Immigrants
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA – President Donald Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday for a high-profile summit with Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. While the leaders focused primarily on trade agreements, the visit took an unexpected turn when bin Salman eagerly invited Trump to the rooftop of the Royal Palace Chamber to demonstrate a “cool
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Sources Reveal Auto-Pen Allegedly Responsible For Shitting Biden’s Pants
WASHINGTON, D.C. — CNN host Jake Tapper has uncovered what he claims is a coordinated cover-up of President Biden’s cognitive decline by doctors and White House staff in his new book, Original Sin. The book details the lengths to which the administration allegedly went to conceal Biden’s purported mental state from the American public. One
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Obama Pays Special Memorial Day Tribute to America’s Fallen Drones
CHICAGO, IL — Gazing mournfully at heaps of broken and damaged military drones, former President Obama paid a special tribute to the heroic machines that defended America from dangerous goat herders, children, and aid workers in the Middle East during his presidency. “Today, we honor those who sacrificed their lives to defend our freedom,” Obama
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“It’s Not Genocide If We Don’t Consider Them Human Beings,” Claims South African President
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing criticism for the violence against white farmers, South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visited the White House on Wednesday to provide answers to the Trump administration. As President Trump displayed examples of the violence, including video evidence of black South African anti-apartheid activists openly advocating for the deaths of white citizens, Ramaphosa