Politics
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Shotgun-Wielding Trump Pressures Massie Not To Hurt His “Big, Beautiful” Tax Bill
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Wielding a shotgun and sporting a tattered pair of overalls, President Trump barged into the Cannon House Office Building on Tuesday afternoon and pressured Rep. Thomas Massie not to hurt his “big, beautiful” tax cuts bill at this week’s vote. “You better not hurt my baby girl, ya hear?!” Trump shouted at
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Maxine Waters Fined $68K After FEC Discovers Hundreds of Campaign Expenses at Monique’s Discount Wig Emporium
LOS ANGELES, CA – Rep. Maxine Waters was fined $68,000 by the Federal Election Commission on Monday after an investigation found that her campaign violated several election rules. The FEC first noticed irregularities in Waters’ 2024 Q4 campaign finance report, which showed hundreds of expenses at Monique’s Discount Wig Emporium in Inglewood, listed as “beautification”
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ICE Gives Illegal Immigrants Rare Chance To Stay In America Through Game Of Musical Chairs
LOS ANGELES, CA – As riots continue to rage, ICE agents attempted to mend their dismal reputations with the locals by offering captured illegal immigrants a rare chance at staying in America if they win a game of musical chairs. “Ándale, you maggots,” a burly ICE chief officer yelled at a group of illegal immigrants.
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In Response To Golden Dome, China Announces Plan to Build Golden Special #5 Defense System
BEIJING, CHINA – Just weeks after President Trump announced the Golden Dome, China responded by unveiling plans for a similar defense system – the Golden Special #5. According to the Chinese government, efforts are already underway to build a giant take-out food box, large enough to cover China’s 3.6 million square miles from end to
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‘Fight Oligarchy’ Rally Goers Confused Why Bernie Sanders And AOC Want To Fight An Old Wooden Ship
DENVER, CO – In a bid to position themselves as frontrunners in the currently leaderless Democratic Party, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have teamed up for a nationwide rally series aimed at mobilizing Americans against the Trump administration. Dubbed the “Fight Oligarchy” tour, the campaign has drawn hundreds of thousands of liberal activists
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Liz Cheney Performs Ancient Native American Prayer Dance To Keep The January 6 Ghosts Away
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the harrowing memories of insurrection still fresh in mind, former Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney returned to the steps of the Capitol on Monday morning to prevent the evil ‘January 6 ghosts’ from haunting our country by performing an ancient Native American prayer dance. “Every day since I left Congress, the ghosts
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Ketanji Brown Jackson Arrives At Inauguration In Stunning $19.99 Seashell Necklace From Sunsations
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the world gathered to watch President Trump’s inauguration on Monday, few could ignore the glamorous outfits donned by Melania Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Usha Vance. But perhaps the most eye-catching accessory was the cowrie seashell necklace worn by Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. According to a spokesperson for Brown Jackson,
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Dems Attempt To Prove They’re Party Of Rational Discourse By Screaming Unintelligible Nonsense In The Freezing Cold
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the 2024 election far in the back of their memory, Congressional Democrats took to the freezing cold streets outside the Capitol on Wednesday to protest the Trump administration’s accomplishments in his first few weeks of office. The Democrats were joined by a posse of local activists, who were definitely not paid
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Trump’s Honorary Secret Service Boy Turns Off Body Cam During Hallway Patrol Altercation
HOUSTON, TX – Days after receiving an honorary Secret Service badge during Trump’s address to Congress, 13-year-old cancer survivor DJ Daniel was back patrolling the hallways of J.C. Calhoun Middle School with a new sense of validation and power. While he was greeted with general praise from his classmates, he soon found himself in a
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Chameleons Hold Press Conference To Distance Themselves From Kamala Harris
COLUMBUS, OH – Shortly after Kamala Harris was caught changing the tone of her speech and body language to different audiences again, a group of chameleons at the Columbus Zoo held a press conference to condemn her behavior and distance themselves from the Vice President. “On behalf of chameleons across the country, we condemn Vice
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White House Celebrates Memorial Day By Honoring Brave Men And Women Who’ve Died In Botched Gender Reassignment Surgeries
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With LGBTQ+ flags and rainbow tinsel draped around the White House, senior spokesperson Kate Bedingfield announced that the Biden administration was celebrating Memorial Day by paying tribute to the transgender men and women who’ve died in botched gender reassignment surgeries. “Today, we celebrate the real heroes who gave everything for this country,”
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Trump and Harris Remain Turkey Neck And Turkey Neck In The Polls On Election Eve
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Americans get ready to head to the polls, President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris – who are both showing their age after a long election and stints in Washington – remain neck and neck… or as critics and dermatologists are saying, turkey neck and turkey neck. While the two